As I’ve graduated from dating in college to dating in the real world, I’ve come in contact with a harsh truth. We’re all selfish assholes. I literally blocked a guy’s number the other day because I wanted to go to Pop Physique more than I wanted to see him—and he just couldn’t take the hint. I enjoy my solitude; I’m comfortable in it. Giving up my personal time to go on an awkward first or second date is not my idea of a fun night. But how long can we keep this up until we desperately crave a close relationship only to find that we’re left with our mother and aged dog? Sorry mom. I see countless, single 30-something year olds out in LA looking as “happy” as can be. Is it an act or are they actually content with this attachment free lifestyle? (These aren’t rhetorical questions–I really want to know. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org).
For the longest time, I used the fact that I’m moving to New York City to push away any serious commitments. Whenever the topic of graduation and the future would come up with a guy, I’d slip in a comment about the move. This worked well until it didn’t and I actually pushed away someone I really liked. That experience—me playing the “cool girl” and it backfiring—made me realize that I want a relationship. I pushed away the idea of settling down and having kids but in reality, I was afraid of the vulnerability attached to it. I have been terrified to say, “This is who I am, the good and the bad; will you accept it?”
We play this game of being uninterested until the point of apathy. We have lost the ability to care deeply, to be vulnerable. What’s so scary about someone not wanting you as long as you want you? At the moment, I’m not 100% comfortable with myself and I’m not looking to settle down with someone because of this. I’m in this transition stage of not knowing what direction I want my life to go in. This doesn’t mean I’m avoiding relationships because I’m uncertain about my future—I’m just waiting to invest my time and energy until it’s right. Life shouldn’t be wasted on half assed relationships. I know I’m going to look back at this time in my life and reminisce about the late nights out with friends, all of the uncertainty that comes with being in your 20s and living in a big city with minimal commitments. I’ll hold onto it while I can.